Why our communication SUCKS - and what to do about it!
Last month I gave the introduction class to our 10 month Empathy Dojo certification course and made that first class available to the public.
Empathy Dojo is up and running and we've just finished our first month - I wanted to share the intro class with you in case you didn't get a chance to attend live!
Click below to watch the full video, and scroll down for notes and quotes!
If you enjoy this material and didn't get to sign up for THIS cohort of the Empathy Dojo, stay tuned for more free classes and the next enrollment window! https://templestyle.mykajabi.com/the-empathy-dojo
(scroll down for detailed notes from this workshop!)
Main Points:
SUCKS stands for:
- Stories
- Un-empathetic
- Consumerist
- Karma Karate
- Samsara
What to do about it is 'REVC'
- Rapport (is primary)
- Emotions (all are valid)
- Values (you are the source of them)
- Choose (responsibly)
Quotable Quote Cardz:
Detailed Notes:
Why our communication SUCKS - the brief history of how we get to sucking!
When it goes wrong, what goes wrong?
Book reference: ‘Crucial Conversations’
When we need to bring our best selves to the table - we usually don’t - because we’re stressed!
‘My side bias’, ‘zero-sum fallacy’
S.U.C.K.S - Acronym
(5:20 mins)
S- Stories - which happen instead of Rapport
‘Rapport’ in Brené Brown’s work = ‘Belonging’
Can show up as:
Assessments
“You were a butthead last night!”
Diagnoses
“You’re a narcissist”
Makes the walls go up
Projections
Why they slammed the door last night
Assumptions
That the other knows what you’re talking about, or how you’re using the words you’re using.
Assuming their frame of reference
Assuming they know your needs
Opinions
“It’s not that opinions are problems, it’s that we voice them as facts”
Predictions
“Intuitions”
Gets messy in Nonviolent Communication when sharing “Feelings” - because feelings means emotions AND intuitions/impressions
All emotions are valid, but not all intuitions/impressions are correct
These are just stories unless there’s rapport
Try:
‘I imagine...”
‘I hope...’
‘I’m afraid that...’
“When we’re in a crucial conversation, and we get triggered into that lil limbic system, we tend to lose some of the capacity to adopt other perspectives, and we get locked into this view that ‘what I’m thinking/feeling/imagining is THE perspective.’”
“Should-ing” = Value judgement
Can you make an observation without a value judgement?
U- Unempathetic
If we can’t distinguish observations vs value judgements we end up should-ing
From “should”, we make some emotions right and some wrong, acceptable/unacceptable.
Such as “men are allowed to feel angry but not sad or scared” in the cultural trance!
Important, New-Age slogan!
We can only heal (integrate “make whole”) what we feel.
A ‘make-wrong’ is refusing to feel a particular emotion.
When we refuse to feel it in ourselves, we cut off these parts of our being
When we refuse to feel it in another, we tell them that part of them is not welcome.
Some expressions of emotions are not acceptable - BOUNDARIES
But an emotion is not grounds for revoking belonging or human dignity
Shows up as:
One-upmanship
“Oh, you think THAT’S bad…”
Misses an opportunity for rapport by mourning together
“Things could be worse... “ - in self-talk too
Fix-it
When you just want a hug and they keep giving you solutions!
Shame
“Suck it up, buttercup!”
Disregarding/Dissociating
Spiritual bypassing
Drugs - Overwork - Overtraining in the gym
TV
Ignoring
C - Consumerist
If you can make yourself feel bad enough, the dopamine response from consuming makes you feel relatively better.
Instead of being a Source of Values, we go through life as if our happiness is contingent on getting them (these values) from outside.
Reference: Greater Good Center - UC Berkeley
As you mature, giving really is more fulfilling than merely receiving
“You can take down anxiety and depression by generating compassion for others. We’re actually built as a generator of values!”
To do so, we WILL need to get our regular ol' needs met - but if you confuse that with the source of happiness or value, you’ve been hypnotized by the consumerist orientation!
You’re not in control of getting everything you want, if you make that where happiness comes from you’re going to have a problem
We can share our needs with beloveds most effectively by sharing them in a way that is letting them in to our hearts. If we frame the conversation in terms of them being in charge of our happiness, we’re going to erode rapport.
We’re inviting them to generating values together
We make life a problem that can only be solved when we get our way
By this, we actually deprive ourselves of Joy
this insight is borne out by research meditative training, even though rarely recognized by laypeople
When we focus on what we want - we change the cognitive filters to see more of it - valuable for both MANIFESTATION, and GRATITUDE
K - Karma Karate!
“Karma” means the reactivity that comes from believing we’re not the Source of Values
We’re operating under the belief that external circumstances are the primary determinant of my state.
Karate = self-defense or aggression
When you’ve got a self that is not a Source of its own values, you’ve automatically got a Great Other who can grant or withhold them.
If external circumstances are the primary determinant of my behavior, now you have just a few basic choices - Fight/Flight/Freeze/Fawn. The reactions to stress or trauma.
Instead of choosing, I react
Leads to the other half of “karma” - UNWANTED CONSEQUENCES
Samsara
If you do all of the above, you can end up in a special place called Samsara. Samsara is a realm of illusions where you’re interacting primarily with stories and projections more than reality.
Your feelings aren’t a guide to the living energies expressing themselves through you, they’re just pleasure or pain - the former to be grasped, the latter to be avoided.
You’re not the source of values, so you have to get whatever you can
And the best way to do this is through pre-emptive self-defense.
What to do about it - REVC
(56:00 min)
Rapport (is primary)
Empathy First
Rapport as belonging, as common humanity
Dignity you have the power to grant to self and others
Establish innate belonging/irrevocable worth, THEN explore differences
Coming from the Parasympathetic - maintaining Relaxation Response whenever possible.
Where Observations come in
Finding a baseline that you can both agree on
You’re not even having a debate unless you can agree on the terms and the sources of information.
Start from ‘Where is the common ground?’
Emotions (all are valid)
“Feelings” in NVC, but the term is often too broad - including intuitions and impressions
I feel: Sad/Mad/Glad/Scared/Confused - emotions
“Emotions are the living experience of our humanity...If we want a real friendship/lovership/etc... then we want people to be as alive as possible and that means we’re going to have to have a vast spectrum of really weird emotions going on most of the time. Sorry Vulcans.”
Values (you’re a source of them)
If we come to the conversation with our inspiration, it’s a great start toward getting what you want!
Getting in touch with our core values allows us to be even more of a source of them for self and others
Choose (responsibly)
Choose as distinct from reacting - Karma Karate
“Yeah but she made me” - little kids and abusers absolve themselves for responsibility
Mature people take as much responsibility as possible
We’re not responsible for everything - but we can take responsibility for a lot and prioritize our capacity to express values through choice
Telling others “should” and “have to” is not intimacy promoting behavior
Empower choice for self and others
“Our training is not to make ourselves so sensitive that we can only hear a certain type of language, it’s to make ourselves so resilient that we can hear any kind of language and translate it in us into compassion. It’s not to make our speech so robotic that everyone has to know our jargon to know what the hell we’re talking about, but to get the gift of tongues that when you speak people understand what you’re actually saying - we can speak in the language of all the hearts we come into contact with.”
“I believe that our technological advancement has far outstripped our interpersonal advancement and if we’re to thrive, we need to do the work to bring that interpersonal level up. Our communication should be going to mars and flying electric helicopters ‘n stuff!”
