How Not to Be a Jerk on the Spiritual Path
Last year I launched a brand-new course offering that I called the 'Empathy Dojo'. I have so deeply enjoyed spending "mastermind" sessions with the group around the sacred arts of empathy and compassion. A lot has unfolded and come together for me in teaching this curriculum and today I was thinking maybe I should call the next iteration "How Not to be a Jerk on the Spiritual Path!"
This thought arose as I was going over the curriculum for our Compassion Alchemy retreat happening this weekend, and how my vision of the work has become one of a
full-spectrum secular education in meditation, relationship, and human spiritual development.
What that means practically is that with a little understanding, we can more skillfully navigate the places where we're likely to be a JERK on our path of human development.
I was thinking of it today in relation to one of our first principles in this work of the Empathy Dojo - distinguishing our stories from our observations. There's lots of cool insights from Nonviolent Communication on this, and I was reflecting today on how these principles are presented in the Work of Byron Katie. It can be so powerful to recognize where we're making up realities about our self, other, or world. If done right, we gain a sense of liberation from the fantasies that sometimes torment us (and our loved ones get liberated too from our blame, shame, and false narratives!). The thing is, in this teaching in the Empathy Dojo,
there's a step that comes before pointing out your own or another's stories masquerading as reality - and that's starting with empathy.
It's so small, but it's a major change that can help you not be a JERK on the spiritual path (or path of human development, if you prefer). It is a real truth/spiritual principle, that we are often interacting mostly with our assumptions and cognitive distortions, but how you point that out to yourself or a friend can make the difference between whether this truth feels like a medicine, or feels like a weapon!
Starting with a little self-regulation, then finding some things you can see, feel, smell, hear, and taste in the present moment can be extremely grounding. But telling one another to snap out of it or get real is just an attack. This is where some of us have gotten quite frustrated, through the years, with people who practice "compassionate communication" in a way that seems like they feel it's their job to catch others not following the "rules".
Another example: we have in spiritual and transpersonal traditions the experience of "emptiness" or openness. It's an advanced spiritual practice of learning to rest in curiosity or not knowing. All too often, though, this can be wielded as a form of spiritual bypassing - a way of diminishing or repressing our real human feelings and needs when they're alive in us.
There's a toxic "Buddhism" out there that aims to set you free by tone policing your uncomfortable emotions!
Rule #1 from one of my spiritual teachers is "don't let anyone lay a trip on you" and we also commit to not laying trips on others. In my understanding, this is because the foundation of any truly spiritual, transformative, or integrative work is LOVE. We modern humans need a map through all the powerful tools of development we have available to us so we don't transform spiritual teachings and truths into weapons with which we harm ourselves or others. This type of mutual harm is the exact opposite of the "spiritual" path.
When you have such a map, you gain access to the plethora of methods for self-regulation, connection with others, cultivating compassion, and even self-transcendence, and can use them so that they are mutually supportive rather than at odds with each other.
I hope you can join us for the upcoming Compassion Alchemy retreat this week, or the Daoist Energy Healing retreat coming up next, and may all your personal development feel smooth and not JERKY!
