The Daoist Art of Peace

Searching for quotes this morn for an upcoming series I'll teach with Marya, I found this potent reminder from Dr. Marshall Rosenberg

"We can never make anyone do anything against their will without enormous consequences."

It spoke to me about so many of the paradigms we swim in every day and just think are "normal" - like the idea that retribution and revenge will somehow bring "justice" rather than perpetuate further violence.  Or the notion that "winning" is the most important part of relating.

Most of us don't think of our usual ways of thinking or behaving as "violent", but these paradigms of forcing the change we want are deeply embedded into arenas like modern diet culture, foreign policy, prison systems, and interpersonal relationships.

According to the Dao, we're making our lives (not to mention the lives of those around us) much more difficult than they need to be when trying to force things is to act against their nature.  In Daoist practice, we presume that there's a heart of goodness down at the core of things that can be brought forth - rather than start with the assumption of enemies, opposition, and unworthiness.

This does not imply passivity - in the Daoist martial art of Taijiquan, there are plenty of strikes, throws, joint locks - just like any good martial art - but they're always done by using the opponent's energy against them.

While Taijquan doesn't necessarily strive toward peacemaking, many martial artists feel that the highest development of these arts is to use the skills of blending and harmonizing to settle violence into peace and reconciliation.

Sometimes heroic means are necessary, it's not that everything is smooth and easy all the time.  We even sometimes need to use protective force.  It's not all Yin, there's Yang involved too, but Daoist practice is often more concerned with the roots of an issue than its branches.  In application, we aim toward solving our challenges in ways that do not plant the seeds of entirely new ones.

In another passage, Dr. Rosenberg invites the reader to contemplate not whether you can get someone to comply with your wishes, but why.  Are they going along with your way out of fear, or fatigue?  Are they harboring anger underneath?  None of these are creating a relationship of "power-with", but one of "power-over". 

In our personal lives, "power-with" relationships are so fulfilling and gratifying.  Rather than a tug-of-war over who gets to be valid or worthy, a space is created where everyone is presumed worthy from the beginning.  There can still be plenty of debate, but the underlying assumption is that we will find a way toward harmony and mutual benefit.

Striving for power-over ignores the needs of one party and plants the seeds of future conflict.  But more insidiously, it frames the relationship as between an "I" and an "it", rather than an "I" and a "thou". 

Daoist tradition grows from animism - the sense that all things have a soul.  When we say that the Daoist way is not forced, it means that we don't treat anything like an "it", not our bodies, romantic partners, the planet, or other groups of people.

Embodying this paradigm takes training and practice.  That's why we're excited to offer the Compassionate Communication Intensive coming up on three Thursdays in December.  We'll learn all the practical details of creating power-with through the use of our language to level up toward the non-forced ways aspired to by the Dao.