Sates of Consciousness are the Key to Better Relationships!
One of the hardest parts of relationships has to be when you hit those stalemates where differences seem too great to overcome, where no compromise is in sight.
The world's contemplatives have an answer to this age-old relationship frustration, and it's one you might not suspect - managing our "states of consciousness."
Usually, in conflict, our three unsatisfactory choices seem to be:
- dig our heels in and continue the fight for our point of view to prevail,
- give in and let the other person "win",
- or find a "compromise" that doesn't really satisfy anyone.
Rather than go down these old, worn tracks yet another time, the yogins say what we really need to do is shift our state. When we're in this polarized state of consciousness and stuck playing "who's right?" with a partner, we've gotten mired in the "Gross" or "Materialistic" aspect of our being. This part of us is ego-identified and is focused on our differences. Unfortunately, when we get locked into this mode of being, the differences are all we can see, and opposition is our default.
For contrast, we also have a "Causal" state of being. This state of consciousness is lesser known by non-meditators, but to contemplatives it's the silent "witness" observing all thoughts and appearances. All of us experience this state in deep sleep even though we're not usually conscious of it. In this state we're focused on sameness, and it is the state that many of the mystics of the world describe of union or communion with all.
Unfortunately, this Causal state doesn't do much for relationship challenges either. Monks and nuns can train to be pretty easygoing, but they're not known for their passion. That's because when we're in this casual union state too exclusively, everything can be a bit generic - it's all the same in our equanimity. Most of us would rather have an argument than have a partner who sees us as "generic"!
The trick is to find the balance, and this is where the "Subtle" state comes into play. What makes for good romance is when we can see each other's differences enough to be excited by them, but also feel our underlying unity enough to sense that we're connected. In nondual philosophy, this is the Subtle state of consciousness.
The Subtle is the home of our dreaming, imagining, wondering, and creating. It's the state we have to be in for relationships to stay passionate - too much unity and it's just "brotherly love", too much difference and we can't get along, but lots of unity and lots of difference all at once, that's sexy.
The Subtle state is the tool we need for conflict resolution.
- When we're trapped in the Gross state, my-side bias rules the day and we can only see (and defend) our own point of view.
- If we spiritually bypass to the Causal, all points of view are equally valid in the infinitely boring sphere of nihilist nirvana.
- From the Subtle we can appreciate our own perspective and see the good points in our partners - but more importantly, we can see the many other creative options for how we can make life wonderful together!
Many relationship therapists will tell you that the key to happy relationships in the long-term is to always "date your partner". In this case we want to emulate the state we're in while dating. We see how new and different they are - we wonder about all the mysteries they can show us, but we also feel somehow that there's this connection happening, like we can really relate and unite. This blend between the Gross (difference), and the Causal (unity/sameness) is where the magic of "compatibility" happens. If we can learn to access this natural state of consciousness intentionally, we have a tool to solve most of our relationship stalemates, and invoke the creative passion that keeps us "in love"!
